Happy MFn Birthday to me! Happy GD MF Birthday!

Random thoughts on my 44th Birthday!

*****Did you know you were born on a leap year. You were born on the 223rd day of 1976 8/10/76 around 6:30 pm in the evening. Every year your birthday is on the 222nd day of the year (outside of leap years). You are a FIRE LEO born in the year of the dragon.******

I’m sick of this same shit. I’m sick of feeling broken. I’m sick of searching trying to find something to fix me. I’m sick of holding on only for my kids. I’m sick of this shit man. Sick of uncontrollable tears. Sick of wishing for nothingness but being afraid of death. Sick of brief moments of joy because in the back of my mind I know this feeling and these demons will be back. Just sick of it!

Can I go back to feeling myself without care of my flaws? Just seeing me as the greatness inside me? That cocky confidence where I knew the world belonged to me…How do I go back to it? Is it even possible?

I want to dream and believe again. I want to dream big dreams and believe that my dreams will manifest to reality. I’m tired of seeing my dreams die but I’ve become jaded and used to it. My hope levels are depleted while my motivation to fight is fleeting. Depression is real and in 2020 it’s double trouble. COVID, social unrest, feelings of survivors guilt, mixed in with my usual feelings of sadness, failure, being stuck in this morbidly obese 540 pound body, and a meaningless existence has me to the point that I want to throw my hands in the air and just walk away. Man all I really want is to feel happy again, to enjoy life again, to have a dream to fight for and a meaning to live for. Is that too much to ask? What will it take to bring this to pass? How long must I continue to endure? Do I really want another trip around the sun , especially if nothing gets better? So many questions and on this born day of inflection and retrospective I don’t have any answers. Happy MFn Birthday to me! Happy GD MF Birthday!

493!

That’s all I really want to say! 493!

Good bye 500s!

I’m singing…. so I’m saying bye bye!

Good bye 500s (at least for a moment!)! I’ve finally oh GOD finally reached this weight loss milestone! For the first time in at least 4 years I weigh less than 500 pounds!

A biscuit away…

I’m back to being a biscuit away from five hundred pounds! I know if I had a glass of water and a biscuit I’m back at 500 but I’m just happy to see a four instead of a five or even a six on that first digit!



Rocky Road

Contrary to what you may think, this journey is not all smooth sailing ! Nope! It has been a rocky road ! (Yes I just mixed metaphors! ) I’ve lost 60 pounds in the last 6 months! Look at that graph of my progress. Notice how my weight loss hasn’t just been straight down! This journey so far had had its ups and downs and it will have plenty more as I lose another 240 pounds! I’m just blessed to have made it this far!

Love Yourself to see your best version of yourself

One of the things I’m learning on this journey is that you have to love yourself at this moment for who you are and what you are! Love the flaws. In order to change and progress and evolve you have to love and embrace the person you are today. You have to love that person enough that you want to give the a better life. You want to give that person a better version of themselves. You have to build a foundation of love for yourself and then and only then will you begin to have sustainable long lasting change!

I can tell you that TODAY I am truly…..

The Journey Continues …

On January of 2013 I weighed 530 pounds! That’s around the time I made the decision for the umptenth time to try and lose weight . It is also the time I started my blog and started on this roller coasters of a journey. Seven years of struggles, success, wins, lessons, extreme weight loss and extreme weight gain. Seven years! During this time I was able to get my weight as low as 360 and I managed to weigh as much as 563 pounds! I’ve was promoted, fired , hired to a better job, promoted, fired, been unemployed, and underemployed ! I’ve had birth, birthdays, medical emergencies and deaths in the family. Do you know what one of the biggest lesson I’ve learned from this 7 year journey? It’s that as long as you live the journey never ends! You have a breathe left to breathe then the journey continues! The journey continues even after your success. The journey continues even after a failure. The journey continues so you might as well take every moment as they come. Find the positive and enjoyment in each and every moment you are given because the journey continues until it ends.

I Survived!

I made it a full week intermittent fasting! I really can’t believe I made it a full freaking week! Overall it wasn’t a bad experience. It moved me out of my comfort zone. I had to feel unease and discomfort at times but it was worth it!

I lost a little over 4% of my total body weight! I started my fast at 524 pounds and one week later I weighed 503 pounds! Yes that’s 21 pounds in a week!

Over Three Years!

October of 2016 was the last time I was this light! It’s been since September of 2016 since I weighed less than 500 pounds! I’m almost there and I still got a long way to go! I did take a moment to celebrate, reflect and plan to keep going!

What did my fast look like?

I did a 16 hour fast with an 8 hours feed window each day Sunday thru Friday. On Saturday I did a full 24 hour fast where I was able to eat 300 total calories. On Saturday I ate a can of soup with a chicken breast filet. Outside of those calories I drank mostly water, I did drink 2 20oz Diet Dr Peppers and I drank 2 pitchers of Crystals Light.

During my feed windows I tried to keep my carbs under 100 grams a day and my protein about 200 grams a day.

I did a grand total of 40 minutes of cardio the entire week but I still worked out using high volume resistance training with short rest periods between sets. I basically did 4-5 10 rep EMOMs with about 1-2 minutes rest between each EMOMs. EMOM (which stands for every minute on the minute) is a type of interval workout where you perform a specific task at the start of every minute for a set amount of time. I did this for 5 out of 7 days with 2 days rest.

What’s Next?

I will try a second week of this but I don’t expect the same type of results. The weight loss will slow down and I’m shooting for a 2% drop in body weight which is about 10 pounds! This would be a great way to finish off the month! To finally weigh less than 500 pounds for the first time in over 3 years would be awesome!

Intermittent Fasting

I’ve jumped in head first with intermittent fasting ! I kinda started yesterday, going 13 hours no food (from 7p-8a). Going forward I will try to do 16hrs ( 4p-8a) fasting Mon-Friday and a full 24 hour fast on Saturday (liquids only) with a refeed on Sunday!

Why in the world would I do it?

The answer is plain and simple. I’ve hit a weight loss wall by doing the same thing since November! I’ve lost a little over 40 pounds total but I’ve been stuck. My weight has fluctuating from 508-522 during the last 6 weeks. Of course I’ve had some really great days but I’ve had too many bad days that have wiped out all of progress of the good days.

Good vs Bad ole days!

In the past when I’ve lost massive amounts of weight rapidly, my biggest weapon was the amount of time I would put in the gym! I would literally workout for 3-4 hours a day. (mostly cardio with some resistance training burning 2000-4000 extra calories a day!). During this time I could afford to have bad days and still maintain or lose weight!

In case you didn’t know for me Bad days = Binge days! You see I’m an emotional and habitual eater. I eat out of habit and I eat during times of stress and emotional turmoil. So when I have a bad day I binge (there is no other nicer way to say it ). 8000, 9000 even 10000 calorie days are more than possible when I binge. (Yes according to the food tracker on MyFitnessPal I’ve had a couple of 10,000 calorie days!)

Let’s do the math!

My resting BMR ( the amount of calories I burn at rest with no exercise each day) is about 3500 – 4000 calories per day. If I workout for 4 hours a day and burn an additional 4000 calories then my total calorie expenditure could be as high as 8000 calories! One or two binges wouldn’t wreck my progress if I’m burning this many calories! I could afford to have a bad day or two in a week and still lose a few pounds!

Well guess what? I can’t dedicate that much time to the gym now and even when I tried to I ended up getting injured. I’ve jacked up my knees biking for hours a day and I also have chronic venous insufficiency issues that I’m dealing with which will limit the amount of cardio I can do.

Bottom line is the number of calories I burn has gone down significantly! Now each time I have a bad day (binge), those extra 7000 calories turn into two pounds or more of fat!

Truth is … I need this! I need this change to get different results! Come to think of it I need to fast for several reasons. First I need to begin to discipline myself when it comes to food. Second I need the reduction in calories. Third I need to use this as a tool to help overcome the emotional and habitual eating. Fourth I need to try something different and see it through! If you want different results…. do something different!

So let’s see how this goes! If you are reading this THANK YOU for your support!

Be blessed!

Brent

Making progress!

Making progress! I’m trying to see if I can walk into 2020 under 500 pounds! Oh I finally got a scale that I can use at home! No more going to the ER just to Weigh!

1st Day Last Month 2019

Well fam it’s been a wild and crazy year! 2019 has seems more like a loss than a victory. My weight has fluctuated and at one point I was 570 pounds. As I start the first day of the last month of this year I’m still grateful for the lessons learned and the life experienced in 2019. I know one thing…. it’s still a season of restoration! I’m ready to finish up the year strong. Today’s weight 539! Let’s go!

Now!

Aug122019

So I weighed in today. Nothing to smile about except I’m alive, semi-mobile and somewhat in my right mind! Knowing that my weight doesn’t define me is a great thing. I also recognize that I’m at my heaviest documented weight EVER! It’s the wrong kind of PR! So I’ve got to change and reverse this trend. Starting by setting little small challenges and goals. My first challenge/goal is to lose 12 pounds more through food and less through exercise! Let’s go! Great way to kick off my 43rd year of life!